Random Thought – “Insight”

When we write, we draw from all that which we have experienced personally. Specifically when we turn towards creative writing, or expressing thoughts ideas that are in our head, we tend to dramatize the whole experience. I realized quite a while ago that I use symbols a lot.

I could have posted this as a short fictional story or a sailor type character. However, closely it may seem that way, with all the nautical references, it definitely is not that.

Originally written by me at 23:49 on 2006-09-12 published using live spaces. You can see the original post here or use the following link.

http://khansalmanahmad.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!D7DD5473A2E5322A!160.entry

Original Title: Insight

Direction-less flows, contradicting eddies and currents, navigation a nautical conundrum. I don’t remember when I started this voyage, I don’t remember why. I don’t remember the important whys of my forgotten bits and pieces. The power is on, the ship’s functioning, all parts oiled and maintained. The age, wear and tear now beginning to show, it’s not running as smooth like i remember. It talks to me, through the walls, through the floor, through the air i breath. It’s been a good partner, through all the days and nights in the open sea with no land in sight. It’s been a good listener, turning which-ever-way I bid it to turn, and stroll and run. I don’t remember if the compass broke after I left dock, or was it broken already. I guess it’s too late to ponder that now. Ponder, that is all the time I have these days, ponder of things that may have been that should have been, that could have been. The what-ifs are starting to crawl into my conscience, I guess that happens when one’s too far from land too long. The Sun and the Stars are no help, the never have been. I am just traveling on gut instinct. Maybe I was wrong, beginning to seem like it, we’ll know soon enough. Which way is land? which way to turn, should I just steer not at stay to a fixed indistinguishable and ambiguous point on the horizon. What is the purpose of my travel. What is the destination. what is the penultimate prize I am seeking.

I have forgotten, been lulled into a kind of hypnosis by the gentle rocking of the vessel, the buffeting of the waves and currents. It crept up on me, without me knowing. I don’t know how much longer I can resist. It is so tempting. I started of with a crew of two, myself and the vessel. I cound the vessel a crew member, well, the relationship is strange, just the two of us, over so many days and nights. I wonder how many years it has actually been.

Strange, I remember the life before, many cohesive bits and pieces, but I am totally failing to recall the exact moment when my voyage started, when I actually cast off everything I had known and plunged into the unknown, without a guide, without a compass, without a safety line. By the efforts this memory, this fateful, determining event fails me.

The waves beckon, I know if i took this plunge it’ll be my last, there will be no saviors, there will be only the depths for me, even my companion, my vessel won’t be able to rescue me from this fate. A self inflicted and unavoidable fate that I share will all that is living and all that is not. Maybe I will wait for another day? Maybe if I sleep over it, like i’ve been doing since I remember, quite literally. Maybe the thoughts will go away, maybe a myrical will happen, against all odds. Maybe I will sight land tomorrow, or at least another carrier. That would be, could be a most welcome break from this twosome in the middle of no where.

I could be going in a huge circle, for it matters, there are no landmarks here. For that one does need the pre-requisite land on which the markers to place on. The stars keep shifting, while I stare at them, not just shifting on the whole, but, in small clusters, single ones, in myriad directions that may be fancied. The sun plays tricks, sometimes dissapears behind a haze for ages, sometimes just stays there in the middle of the sky, casting no shadows. Sometimes it doesn’t show at all.

All things that I belived in have left me, one by one, slowly, individually. Now I feel that I am naked, my soul empty, my spirit broken, just my stubborness and die-hard unextinguishable refusal to recognize and accept the inevitable.

I do not know what tomorrow brings. I do not know why it brings. I am here and now, I think, I ponder, I flip, roll and twist thoughts and ideas and beliefs and experiences. Examining them under a microscope. Concentrating on the singular thought, the whole collaborative flashes of sanity escaping my vision of my self.

Who will I be tomorrow? what will i become? what is my destiny? what is my purpose?

It’s started to rain. Maybe I should call it a day for today and see what tomorrow brings. Will it be another end, or maybe a begining.

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About khansalmanahmad
A technology and solutions specialist who at times dabbles in philosophy. Is interested in learning new things. Gets really excited by and looks forward to "WOW" experience.

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